Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
Some things that make a particularly large impact on me are the images of hands compressing my throat and the soul being like a confused army which is unaware of its victory. The choking imagery is so powerful to me because of how much I identify with feeling that very frightening sense of my life being stolen away from me without my permission from an outside force. I feel as if there have been times in my walk where I was paralyzed but not simply of my own doing but because I felt like I'd been abandoned.
The imagery of the army is so encouraging because of what Christ has placed in us, His Spirit, which we so often forget and wallow in self-pity and discouragement... despite the fact that we are not defeated, which the poem resolves to at the end.
There's much more, but just enjoy... I'd love to hear how this poem affects you.
