breaking

I was perusing through my journal this morning and came across an interesting tidbit that I wrote back in '05. It was my first year at Regent College and I was in a particularly rough place of feeling distant from God and yet going through a lot of changes. It was such a tumultuous time that I still haven't fully come to understand everything my heart and mind was going through at that time.

Nonetheless, this was a poem I wrote in my journal and it is NOT good poetry, but like many things that I write, it is guttural, but not as artsy, stylized, or well worded as a good poem would be. I thought it was worth sharing though because it was meaningful for me at the time. I remember that day very distinctly for a couple reasons.  I was crying out to God in a very deep a distressed way and He met me that day in my bedroom in Vancouver. I remember how distinct His presence was at it entered the room and my heart. After writing in my journal and writing this brief poem, I picked up my guitar that day and began singing some songs that I knew, but then just began improvising and it was my first experience when God gave me a song instantaneously. I wish I had written it down, but the song was really just for me and God right then. I'll never forget that. On a side note, I've never written music before... so, that made it more special for me.


Here's a snip-it from my journal that day:



And the poem which I tried to put a little thought into its formatting this morning, but really... not a good poem. I know... but like I said, it was very meaningful to me at the time because I was struggling so much to see God and He was revealing to me His goodness. Three years later, He has only brought me deeper into a place of security with Him, though it is always challenged.

Where do I fit anymore?

When I first went to Regent College, I really don't think I was ever prepared for the sort of changes that would occur in my theology and ultimately my lifestyle and worldview. Many things that I held dearly to beforehand were deconstructed and lost, while at the same time others were strengthened and brought to a whole new depth and resolve. As I look back over the years, I feel that for the most part, this has all been for the best. The things that I lost in the midst of my academic journey, I am now regaining as I reexamine my roots. The things that I've gained have spoken a new depth into my beliefs that I believe will help me to revolutionize others.

However, in the midst of all that, there was always a growing sense that now that I have been through this experience, that I no longer fit anywhere easily. Regent has set me on a path that has placed me smack dab in the middle of a mine field every way I turn it seems, unless I stay in Vancouver where Regent's theology has had such an impact on so many of the churches in the area that I fit nicely here, but what about anywhere else. Having gone to Regent, I'm now too liberal in my thinking for conservative Christians... and at the very same time, I'm too conservative in my thinking for liberal ones. I'm in a place where I ascribe to views of Scripture which are edgy and difficult for some to understand, while also holding to fundamental Truths about the Word that separate me from those that would remove any real authority from Scripture.

Where do I belong? For wherever I go with my thoughts and beliefs now, I fear that I will end up offending some. I suppose that's the risk I must take though to stand up for what I believe to be most true. Reality is complicated and Truth is never easy.

I was talking with a new friend the other day, Blake, while I was retraining for my bus driving. At one point, I had this thought, which may be completely wrong, but it intrigues me nonetheless. Anybody who has argued philosophy will know the concept of Ockham's Razor. It's a simply philosophical postulate that states that whatever is the simplest explanation to a problem is probably the most true answer. Now, Ockham's razor has been used many times by atheists to attempt to show the absurdity of theism. For my thought here though, I was considering how so many Christians attempt to do just that in their search for understanding about Scripture, theology, and/or life in general. Not that they are consciously using Ockham's Razor in that way, but that the attitude of "simplicity is best" pervades their worldview. Black and white is much easier than grey to deal with.

My post-modernism becomes more apparent at this point, but I'm still struggling with that as well. It seems to me that what is most true to life is more complex. For as I experience life more and more, life presents itself to me in its full and very intense complexity: rarely simplicity. I suppose it depends upon what we are talking about, but I think it's a truism. I'd like to hear thoughts if you think differently.

This is another example of the rock and hard place that the thinking of Regent has left me in. I believe that that sort of complexity should be reflected in my theology if I believe it is truly applicable to this complex life. I believe my theology should have grey areas, tensions, and sometimes paradoxes. At the very same time, I'm forced to also say that there are simplicities within the Truth of Scripture, which are accessible. Those truths which are, I'm forced to appeal are simple because we have been given God's revelation surrounding it.

So, in these ways, I believe the attitude behind Ockham's Razor to not be applicable to theology. For to me, those that hold to black and white answers for all issues they find in Scripture have somehow placed their hands over their ears and blocked out the cries of the complexity of life. For them, the answer is simple. This many times, as I've seen, leads to things like proof-texting doctrines. It seems to go hand in hand with a faith which is based upon building structures of propositions. Proposition A + B = C... Things to that effect, but Scripture isn't primarily a book of propositions! Rather, Scripture is a narrative... a story about the sometimes messy and the sometimes miraculous... and the all around redemption of this world... and it is very complex. One cannot read it and not find tension, paradox, and complexity. At the very same time, it is full of ideas which can be formulated propositionally.

What am I to do? :) Even in my thoughts concerning it all, I am unable to pick sides fully. I'm neither. I'm not black and white, but I'm not lost in a fog of grey either. I pray that I'm found looking toward the light of the Spirit which God has given us to lead us into Truth, writing the Law upon our hearts. So, yes... I come to conclusions which look black and white sometimes... and I also come to many which smack of greyness. And this ultimately is why I continue to find it hard to fit theologically.