Of Closets And Graves

A little poem that I wrote while I was visiting Angela's poetry class last week.

---

Closets are told to remain closed
Hiding the clutter of a past broken
Sneakers and underwear
Unmentionables whose odors seep under the door
Ignoring them, they grow stronger

Throw them away!
Let the abyss of gyms socks
Be cast into aluminum cans
For less fortunate individuals
To dispatch to destructive marching orders

But armies of the past
Still leave corpses once dead
Ivory memories of the battles lost
Closets are told to remain closed
Hiding the clutter of old wounds.

Open wide the dusty board!
And let cemeteries regurgitate their lunch
Give skeletons to walking and breathing again
For my legacies may desire to hide,
But there is One who calls them to live.

Who Am I by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I ran across this poem a few days ago on the recommendation of Jason Bull and it really touched me in a big way. I think it is powerfully honest and gives me a great sense that I'm not alone in these battles of the mind and heart. Not only that, but a relieving sense of hope in the One who does hold my identity in His hands.

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement 

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly, 

Like a squire from his country-house. 

Who am I? They often tell me 

I used to speak to my warders 

Freely and friendly and clearly, 

As though it were mine to command. 

Who am I? They also tell me 

I bore the days of misfortune 

Equally, smilingly, proudly, 

Like one accustomed to win.   

Am I then really all that which other men tell of? 

Or am I only what I myself know of myself? 

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage, 

Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat, 

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds, 

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness, 

Tossing in expectation of great events, 

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance, 

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, 

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?   

Who am I? This or the other? 

Am I one person today and tomorrow another? 

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others, 

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling? 

Or is something within me still like a beaten army, 

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved? 

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. 

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

Some things that make a particularly large impact on me are the images of hands compressing my throat and the soul being like a confused army which is unaware of its victory. The choking imagery is so powerful to me because of how much I identify with feeling that very frightening sense of my life being stolen away from me without my permission from an outside force. I feel as if there have been times in my walk where I was paralyzed but not simply of my own doing but because I felt like I'd been abandoned.

The imagery of the army is so encouraging because of what Christ has placed in us, His Spirit, which we so often forget and wallow in self-pity and discouragement... despite the fact that we are not defeated, which the poem resolves to at the end. 
There's much more, but just enjoy... I'd love to hear how this poem affects you.

breaking

I was perusing through my journal this morning and came across an interesting tidbit that I wrote back in '05. It was my first year at Regent College and I was in a particularly rough place of feeling distant from God and yet going through a lot of changes. It was such a tumultuous time that I still haven't fully come to understand everything my heart and mind was going through at that time.

Nonetheless, this was a poem I wrote in my journal and it is NOT good poetry, but like many things that I write, it is guttural, but not as artsy, stylized, or well worded as a good poem would be. I thought it was worth sharing though because it was meaningful for me at the time. I remember that day very distinctly for a couple reasons.  I was crying out to God in a very deep a distressed way and He met me that day in my bedroom in Vancouver. I remember how distinct His presence was at it entered the room and my heart. After writing in my journal and writing this brief poem, I picked up my guitar that day and began singing some songs that I knew, but then just began improvising and it was my first experience when God gave me a song instantaneously. I wish I had written it down, but the song was really just for me and God right then. I'll never forget that. On a side note, I've never written music before... so, that made it more special for me.


Here's a snip-it from my journal that day:



And the poem which I tried to put a little thought into its formatting this morning, but really... not a good poem. I know... but like I said, it was very meaningful to me at the time because I was struggling so much to see God and He was revealing to me His goodness. Three years later, He has only brought me deeper into a place of security with Him, though it is always challenged.

Where do I fit anymore?

When I first went to Regent College, I really don't think I was ever prepared for the sort of changes that would occur in my theology and ultimately my lifestyle and worldview. Many things that I held dearly to beforehand were deconstructed and lost, while at the same time others were strengthened and brought to a whole new depth and resolve. As I look back over the years, I feel that for the most part, this has all been for the best. The things that I lost in the midst of my academic journey, I am now regaining as I reexamine my roots. The things that I've gained have spoken a new depth into my beliefs that I believe will help me to revolutionize others.

However, in the midst of all that, there was always a growing sense that now that I have been through this experience, that I no longer fit anywhere easily. Regent has set me on a path that has placed me smack dab in the middle of a mine field every way I turn it seems, unless I stay in Vancouver where Regent's theology has had such an impact on so many of the churches in the area that I fit nicely here, but what about anywhere else. Having gone to Regent, I'm now too liberal in my thinking for conservative Christians... and at the very same time, I'm too conservative in my thinking for liberal ones. I'm in a place where I ascribe to views of Scripture which are edgy and difficult for some to understand, while also holding to fundamental Truths about the Word that separate me from those that would remove any real authority from Scripture.

Where do I belong? For wherever I go with my thoughts and beliefs now, I fear that I will end up offending some. I suppose that's the risk I must take though to stand up for what I believe to be most true. Reality is complicated and Truth is never easy.

I was talking with a new friend the other day, Blake, while I was retraining for my bus driving. At one point, I had this thought, which may be completely wrong, but it intrigues me nonetheless. Anybody who has argued philosophy will know the concept of Ockham's Razor. It's a simply philosophical postulate that states that whatever is the simplest explanation to a problem is probably the most true answer. Now, Ockham's razor has been used many times by atheists to attempt to show the absurdity of theism. For my thought here though, I was considering how so many Christians attempt to do just that in their search for understanding about Scripture, theology, and/or life in general. Not that they are consciously using Ockham's Razor in that way, but that the attitude of "simplicity is best" pervades their worldview. Black and white is much easier than grey to deal with.

My post-modernism becomes more apparent at this point, but I'm still struggling with that as well. It seems to me that what is most true to life is more complex. For as I experience life more and more, life presents itself to me in its full and very intense complexity: rarely simplicity. I suppose it depends upon what we are talking about, but I think it's a truism. I'd like to hear thoughts if you think differently.

This is another example of the rock and hard place that the thinking of Regent has left me in. I believe that that sort of complexity should be reflected in my theology if I believe it is truly applicable to this complex life. I believe my theology should have grey areas, tensions, and sometimes paradoxes. At the very same time, I'm forced to also say that there are simplicities within the Truth of Scripture, which are accessible. Those truths which are, I'm forced to appeal are simple because we have been given God's revelation surrounding it.

So, in these ways, I believe the attitude behind Ockham's Razor to not be applicable to theology. For to me, those that hold to black and white answers for all issues they find in Scripture have somehow placed their hands over their ears and blocked out the cries of the complexity of life. For them, the answer is simple. This many times, as I've seen, leads to things like proof-texting doctrines. It seems to go hand in hand with a faith which is based upon building structures of propositions. Proposition A + B = C... Things to that effect, but Scripture isn't primarily a book of propositions! Rather, Scripture is a narrative... a story about the sometimes messy and the sometimes miraculous... and the all around redemption of this world... and it is very complex. One cannot read it and not find tension, paradox, and complexity. At the very same time, it is full of ideas which can be formulated propositionally.

What am I to do? :) Even in my thoughts concerning it all, I am unable to pick sides fully. I'm neither. I'm not black and white, but I'm not lost in a fog of grey either. I pray that I'm found looking toward the light of the Spirit which God has given us to lead us into Truth, writing the Law upon our hearts. So, yes... I come to conclusions which look black and white sometimes... and I also come to many which smack of greyness. And this ultimately is why I continue to find it hard to fit theologically.

Ooo, I'll take 9 of those please

Honestly, this is the epitome of crappy, psuedo-inspirational gifts.

I think this would make a good 3 year anniversary gift... I mean, really... what do you do for those odd year anniversaries? Anything not multiple of five is getting Chicken Soup and Bath and Body Works :) lol

I'm joking.. really.

conflict and resolution

Today was an interesting day of highs and lows. I got to screw up by trying to do a good thing but in a really bad way. Yet, I also witnessed the beauty of God's faithfulness through long time friends. 

For starters, my day was rather normal... did some errands, some studying, and just getting ready for my summer (and of course facebook procrastination). In the middle of that day, I ended up harshly confronting a good friend of mine about some things. Barring whether I felt right or wrong about the content of my confronting, I learned some things... that I already knew, but they are just so tough to live by when you're upset.

First, if you're hungry and tired, not a good time to confront somebody. I was so tired I could've fallen over, so I didn't confront my friend in love, I lashed out at them in anger.

Second, if you're going to confront somebody about something, I don't think that it's always the best policy to just keep waiting for the "right opportunity." That's what I've been trying to do for a while and instead of an opportunity ever presenting itself, more and more things kept piling up, until I was unable to confront well. Instead, it turned into a passive aggressive attack. I think it might be better to identify one thing at a time and create the opportunity to deal with it as soon as possible rather than waiting for that "perfect moment."

Lastly, I learned from my discussion with my friend, that it's better to ask questions than to throw accusations.

Maybe I learned more, but those are so highlights. In general though, what a harsh lesson to learn, but good. I can easily see how a married couple could have a massive blow outs if they failed to deal with things as they come. It's just so hard to find the balance between being a nag and being passive-agressive. Holding it in isn't helpful, but neither is unrestrained, unrelenting criticism. What's the balance between being patient and just plain avoidance of dealing with the problem?

So, that was the beginning of my evening. Then I got to have an awesome time with the remnant of the 4th year Regent students from when I first came out to school here in 2004. Lots of fun conversation and whatnot, but what I always love about my Regent friends whenever we get together like that is that there is a purposeful incorporation of the Lord into the evening.

After we had had dinner and spent time catching up, we came together to worship God and a tangible sense of God's presence was there with us. As we worshipped, I was just so struck by how special these times were. How blessed we all were to have such a close community of believers that were empowered by the Spirit and there to support each other. I was reminded how many of us may leave Regent and struggle to find a community that was this good. We did all that to remember God's faithfulness to us and that it's ultimately His love that is sustaining us. Awesome!

I came home and spent some time thinking and working through some things. Still feeling guilty for my treatment of my friend. I grabbed my guitar and went to some place private to worship and sing. There's this one song from Ben Paisley of 100 Portraits that is by far my most favorite worship song in the world from my favorite worship band. The lyrics...

[Verse 1]

Oh mercy fall on me, like a warm blanket, on my cold cold heart.

Clean me with your blood that turns me white on the inside.

I'm on my knees again, cause I'm breaking your heart.

[Chorus]

Put in me... what I cannot buy with gold

Put in me, oh God... come restore my broken soul

Put in me... what I cannot give myself

Put in me... a clean heart.

[Verse 2]

I know all my broken places, like the back of my hand, 

That slapped your face again

Wash me with your love and hold me tight like a baby

Till I have no memory of ever breaking your heart

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

And in the joy when you restore me, I will stand and walk again

I will run into this world, I will call them to come in

But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin

That cannot remember what I will not forget

How I broke you... or how I'm broken.

Listen to a clip

Needless to say, it was a wonderful end to my day.

um.. it's april, right?

Yeah, there's an inch of snow on the ground... what the heck?

I feel fine thank you

I hate advertisers. Really, I'll just pull a conclusion out of my rear, butt (pun intended) I think modern advertising is responsible for about 3/4's of the psychological maladies and poor self-image of north americans.

On a less judgmental note though, if I were in the advertising industry, I'd have a daily ethical seizure trying to deal with it all. Some advertising I find simply despicable and unquestionably unethical. Others are not so easy to nail down... even in doing ads for church events that I've done in the past... anytime you attach a human face, it's very tempting to place the "pretty face" to the ad. How helpful is this? How hurtful?

I've seen a great many churches ads that made me feel squeamish... Anywho... just pondering

Faithfulness...

Real quick post. I just want to tell of how awesome God is. I can't share the details of the story, but basically I was studying down in Koerner Library on Saturday night and around 8:45-9pm, I felt the urge to pray for a friend of mine. Didn't know why just felt like I needed to pray and but I just did anyway. 

I prayed general things for this friend that were based on my own knowledge of them. Within a few minutes, Ephesians 1:3-10 popped into my head. It's not even a scripture that I read a lot or anything, but felt drawn to it. So, I began drafting an email because it seemed obvious to me that God was saying something here.

As I prayed through Ephesians, I had a few meditations and specific things that I felt like God wanted to encourage this friend of mine with. They weren't special knowledge things (i.e. things that I didn't already know about this friend or what not), but the timeliness of the words seemed apparent to me. What I mean by "timeliness" is the need that they should be said now. So, I wrote. I wrote about God's "silence" and the fact that we've been blessed with "every spiritual blessing in Christ." I wrote to encourage them to believe that God did speak to them and other things to that effect.

After I was finished writing, I went over the email like four or five times because I was actually doubting myself. Was this me? Was this God? I finally decided that whether it was God or not, they were encouraging words and I just prayed that they would be timely. That my friend would be in a place where those words would be well received and helpful, rather than pithy.

The next day, I found out that they were very well received and that there was a "story" to tell now. Today, I got an email from my friend telling me that they had been with a friend that evening and got into a conversation about God. My friend went home discouraged and feeling as if God was silent and confused about the "silence" of God in their life. I sent the email right about that same time and when they got home, they received it.

Wow! Isn't God cool? I was talking with my roomie Steven Hettler and we joked around about how even in this high-tech society of texting and wireless, blah blah blah, God is still better at networking events of life and ultimately of the heart. Exciting stuff. Not only now are they encouraged because of God's faithfulness to them, but I'm encouraged that I'm not just a dude full of hot air pithy religious things to say :).

"I'm from Taiwan"

I kind of feel like a stupid American right now. For the past few years of working up in Alaska, a large amount of Taiwanese come on cruises and visit the beautiful fjords of the Inside Passage. Also, a large amount of other nationalities. When us bus drivers are loading our passengers in the mornings, we have to check passports since we go into Canada for our trips typically. No big deal.

Here's why I feel like a stupid American. On more than one occasion, I would look at somebody's passport and it would say "Republic of China" on the passport. Politely, I would acknowledge that they were "Chinese" and mark it down on my paper. To which, many times I would here the retort (once forcefully), "I'm from Taiwan." In my ignorance, I really didn't understand and all I cared about was that the passport said China.

As I've been studying Chinese history in-depth for the past month, I feel like a complete dolt now. China has a rocky enough history as it is, full of death, revolution, and tragedy. I, being an American, who barely even knew what the Taiping Rebellion (20 million deaths), Boxer Rebellion (22 million deaths), or Great Leap Forward (20-43 million deaths, guess they lost count) was before this month, had no clue the severity of the difference between Taiwan and China. By the way, the mass deaths in china that I just mentioned: 1) Occurred within the last 150 years and 2) isn't even all of the deaths. Let's talk about WWI, the Sino-Japanese War, WWII, the Cultural Revolution, etc. Jeez...

To put it simply, ever read about Mao Zedong and the Communist Revolution of China, circa 1949. Yeah, not a pretty thing and before that happened, China was: the Republic of China. Now, it is the People's Republic of China, this occurring after the Chinese Civil War (hello!). And the losers of that war, now known as the "Republic of China" are all living in what we know as Taiwan. So, um... yeah... I have to wonder what those poor Taiwanese people must of thought of me on my bus. "Stupid American."

this is what a master's degree does to you

I'm sitting and chatting with a friend on the "interwebs" and they basically talk about one thing that deals with Christianity, Scripture, or Bible interpretation and I just go off on whatever their topic is...  dumping info on them. Great... seminary has turned me into a boring old man... :-p Pretty soon, there will be hair growing from my nose and ears profusely. I'll keep telling the same stories over and over again just hoping that somebody will listen to me.... ahhh

Moving Back

I'm moving my blog back to here for the time being.

As much as I like graphical appeal of iWeb, it is extremely inconvenient as a blogging software, because it takes so much time to update the darn thing. I really want to revamp my site and make it look nice, but I don't have time to do that. I'll just go back to my blogspot account for easily being able to update until I can revamp my site. So, redirect your RSS feeders and I'll move back to www.alexfritz.com after I can get up to Alaska.